Uneasy

Uneasiness fills me.
Restless, I pace this empty space
within a cluttered room
that reflects the life I have lived thus far.

Is this all I have
to show for 20 odd years
of work?
Useless possessions
and scattered papers
are not who I am.

I know not
what I would like to show the world.
I need to leave a mark
upon those around me.
I need something to show
that my life has not been wasted,
that I have achieved something that matters.

Thoughts

What were You thinking when You created me Lord?
What did You see for my life?
Did You see the joy of my parents,
the friendships I would forge,
the achievements I would make?
Did You weep at my failures,
my poor choices,
my complete unwillingness to act?
Did You ever question making me?
My acts could easily have been performed by someone else.
Or did You realise that my part could only be played by me?
Only I have my influence.
Only I have my unique blend of talents and weaknesses.
What have You been thinking
watching me live my life?
Have I disappointed You Lord?
I must be frustrating to watch.
I'm sorry for my failings.
Have You celebrated my successes?
Have I made You smile?
I should like to make You smile Lord.
That would make me happy.
I hope to make You happy for the rest of my life
But I will need Your guidance.
Help me to dance the steps of this life Lord.
Guide my every movement,
I will strive to follow
so that Your thoughts on me may be positive.

In the depths of my mind

Oh these thoughts!
These horrible, burning thoughts.
swirling through my brain,
contaminating all they touch.
Lord, save me from myself!
They burn! They burn!
Out! Get out of my head!
Out! Out! Leave me in peace.
'Lord!' I weep
I'm sorry Lord! So sorry!
I know they're wrong
these nasty, depressing, delicious, sinful thoughts.
I entertain them for a moment
One single, dreadful, glorious moment,
Then banish them,
Banished forever.
But
The damage is done
All from that one single moment
And I weep.
The guilt
Oh! The guilt!
I know that once again I have failed in my duty.
That duty set by you,
To be pure
Pure and holy.
But I have failed.
Crushed
I lie here crushed.
Stop looking at me Lord.
Leave me here alone.
But no!
Don't abandon me!
Not here
Alone in this darkness I have created.
Oh Lord!
I'm so sorry!
Wash me clean
Nice and clean again.
Heal me of my self-inflicted damage.
Hold my hand as I start again,
Help me guard my thoughts
My traitorous, wandering thoughts.